Making Peace When Relationships Break

Jesus does not ask us to fight or to flee. He asks us to go.

Conflict is part of every human relationship. Spouses disagree, friends misunderstand each other, coworkers clash and church members hurt one another. Being a Christian does not exempt us from conflict. What it changes is how we handle it.

Many of us have two default responses when a relationship breaks. Some of us fight. We raise our voices, defend ourselves and try to win. Others of us flee. We go quiet, avoid the person and hope the problem fades. Neither approach brings peace.

Jesus calls us to a third way, which is harder than both. He calls us to go.

Peace Matters to God

Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God" (Matthew 5:9). Making peace is a family trait, because God Himself is a peacemaker. Through Christ He reconciled us to Himself when we were His enemies (Romans 5:10).

Paul urged the Romans, "If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men" (Romans 12:18). The verse acknowledges that peace is not always possible, since the other person must be willing as well. But it places responsibility squarely on us to do everything we can.

Jesus took this so seriously that He told His followers to interrupt their worship to pursue it: "Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift" (Matthew 5:23–24). God cares more about broken relationships than about religious ceremony.

Start With Your Own Heart

Before we address someone else's wrong, Jesus tells us to look at our own. "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" (Matthew 7:3). A mote is a speck of dust. A beam is a piece of lumber.

In most conflicts both people have contributed something. Even if the other person is mostly at fault, we may have responded with harsh words, gossip or a cold shoulder. Taking responsibility for our part, honestly and without excuses, often opens the door to reconciliation.

James also asks where conflicts come from, and his answer is uncomfortable: "come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members?" (James 4:1). Many quarrels grow out of desires we hold too tightly: to be right, to be respected, to get our way. Before going to someone else, it is wise to ask God what is going on in our own hearts.

Go Privately and Gently

When someone has wronged us, Jesus gives clear instructions: "Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother" (Matthew 18:15).

Notice three things. First, we go. We do not wait for the other person to come to us. Second, we go privately. We do not tell others first, post about it online or build a case among friends. Third, the goal is to gain our brother. The aim is restoration, not victory.

Paul adds that when someone is caught in a fault, those who are spiritual should restore him "in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted" (Galatians 6:1). Gentleness is essential. "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Proverbs 15:1).

Overlook What You Can

Not every offense requires a conversation. Scripture also says, "The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression" (Proverbs 19:11). Love "covereth all sins" (Proverbs 10:12).

Many small slights can simply be forgiven and released. The question to ask is whether the offense is damaging the relationship, harming the other person or dishonoring God. If it is, a loving conversation is needed. If it is not, it may be best to let it go, and truly let it go, without storing it up for later.

When Peace Is Hard

Sometimes we do everything we can and the relationship is still not restored. The other person may refuse to listen or may continue to cause harm. Jesus' instructions in Matthew 18 include bringing others in and, eventually, the church. And in cases of abuse or danger, wisdom calls for protection and the help of appropriate authorities. Reconciliation never requires a person to remain in harm's way.

Even then, we can refuse to return evil for evil. We can forgive in our hearts, pray for the person and leave the door open. Peter writes that Christ, "when he was reviled, reviled not again... but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously" (1 Peter 2:23).

The Gospel Makes It Possible

Peacemaking is hard because it costs us our pride. It is possible because Christ has already made peace with us. Paul says that God "hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation" (2 Corinthians 5:18).

Is there a relationship in your life that needs attention? Pray about it. Examine your own part. Then take the step Jesus asks of every peacemaker, and go.